


Director Fury: CEO of S.H.I.E.L.D

by Starthewolf1106



Category: Spider-Man (Ultimateverse)
Genre: Crack, Gen, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 09:51:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18808747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starthewolf1106/pseuds/Starthewolf1106
Summary: This is literally just a copy of The CEO by Brandon Rogers. But this time it's Nick Fury. And some parts are left out.I also changed a few bits.





	Director Fury: CEO of S.H.I.E.L.D

I didn't become the head of S.H.I.E.L.D by being a nice person.

_"You can tell your children they're not going to have a Christmas this year." Fury said snarkily to Coulson. Coulson had made a Rick and Morty reference ten times today._

_The vine reference was the last straw._

I had my heart surgically removed along with my soul last July. 

_Coulson stared in horror as Fury stretches his own neck to a near inhuman position._

 

"Correlate our projection values!" He barked out to Maria Hill on his way past. Hill doesn't even know what that means.

 "Visculate our value correspondence." He said from an air vent to a confused May.

" _Coulson, why do you always set me up with the Hydra Uber drivers?" Fury spoke to Coulson over the phone._

_Leaning in, Fury spoke to the Hydra agent currently trying to kidnapped him._

_"Evesdrop much, Lucky Stripe?" Fury snapped._

_The agent was starting to question their life decisions._

"My son is in town! Schedule a hug for three 'oclock and move my three o'clock to four and my four o'clock to the break room. If Donna's still there, fire her. She has a husband."

Those were the words spoken to a half-asleep Phil Coulson at 2:00 A.M. Fury didn't have children.

_"Most of our employees don't actually work here, we just let them think they do."_

_Fury opens an ancient looking science textbook. Flipping to a random page he points at a picture._

_"Rick from accounting." He says, pointing to a picture of a tree._

_"Carla from H.R." He points to the word 'Photosynthesis'._

_"She has a family." He adds as he slams the book shut._

"Most of them quit about a month into the job when they realize they're fucked _."_

_Is that gum in your mouth? Spit it out. Now clean out your desk." Fury scolded. A bemused Coulson stared as Fury screamed at a trash can._

"Aparrently I've hired nothing but assholes." Fury exclaimed at Spider-Man and his team. Fury didn't hire them. They were kidnapped.

_"We are not chang- FUCK ME. COULSON, SOME ASSHOLE TODDLER TOOK MY CELLULAR."_

"Working out was a bad choice." Fury muttered as he lay down, stabbed in the ankle with an arrow.

_"Hold on Coulson, I see Spider-Man." Turning the phone away from his ear, he screamed up at the hero._

_"It doesn't get better!" He said as the sidewalk somehow changed colors._

"Coulson, I can see a squirrel." Fury hissed out at Coulson before giving chase.

_"All the fucks I'll give will come out of your paycheck." Fury snapped at Spider-Man. Spiderman's not getting payed. None of the heros are._

"The projected tragectory of-" Fury was cut off by his phone falling in a cup of water.

"Coulson, do I sound like a mermaid?" Was the first thing he said.

_"Coulson, the squirrel got away."_

"I'm surrounded by more dicks than a curious teenager." Fury whined to Hill. Maria didn't know if that meant Fury was gay or just fed up with his board meeting.

It was probably both.

_"Pull over here, there's a villian I want to throw my latte at."_

_"1 percent represent!" Fury screeched as he threw his coffee at the Goblin._

_"DRIVE, COULSON."_

"Godammit Coulson I'm walking through a fucking fountain right now." Fury said as he continued to walk through the fountain.

_Hill opened the refrigerator only to fine Fury curled up on the phone. Fury let out a hiss as Hill slammed the door shut again. A faint "No, not you Coulson" could be heard._

"I just got off the phone with Jetson and Ferguson from Sturgen and Burgen. He says the fiscal values in the correspondence have tanked. We're bankrupt!" Fury explained gleefully to an empty conference room.

_"Liquidate the Handerson account." Fury commanded Coulson as he walked past._

_"Pull out all charity funds." Fury demanded Goose the cat._

"Coulson! Meet me on my island at 5 o'clock. Pack my battle axe and my poetry and prepare to abandon your religion."

_"Coulson, I'm going to have to call you right back., I am going to have a stroke."_


End file.
